


You're Dead To Me

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Dark, Civil War Team Iron Man, Gen, Not Steve Friendly, Not friendly to Team Cap, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), REALLY not friendly to Team Cap, TOTALLY not friendly to Team Cap, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony is delusional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 17:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11718636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Tony's been through one too many traumas, and this time he's finally cracked. Rhodey is cool with it, no matter how crazy he gets, Tony would never hurt him, but other people are not quite so lucky.





	You're Dead To Me

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

I'm paralyzed, was Tony's first thought when he woke and tried to move his arms, but nothing happened. Quiet panic followed until he heard a crack and a shower of ice crystals in his face reminded him. Siberia. Moisture in the air, probably his breath, had iced up all the breaks in his armor. 

Ok, I can do this, was Tony's second thought. He thrashed until he was able to move his arm enough for the emergency release. The suit didn't actually open, but at least it was no longer locked. More thrashing and he kicked and clawed his way free.

Third thought and fourth and fifth thoughts jumbled all together. Siberia- freezing- frost bite and missing extremities at the very least, the thought of losing his fingers produced a burst of adrenalin that got him on his feet. And then he tripped against something and looked down. Oh. Cap's shield... and... gross, Barnes' metal arm.

He frowned, trying to puzzle things out. His head hurt. They wouldn't leave them behind unless... well, they must be dead. Tony vaguely remembered there was a fight. Cap tried to take Barnes into custody after he found out that Barnes had killed Tony's parents. Tony got hurt because he was in the way? That sounded right. Cap would have fought on the side of the law. They probably fell off the mountain. Tony wondered if he should look for them, but then he remembered Cap didn't sign the Accords and Tony did, so... did that mean he wasn't Tony's responsibility any longer?

There had been a lot of shouting. His head hurt. Cap could be dead here just as well as somewhere else, Tony decided. He wanted to go home and drink hot coffee, all the hot coffee. His suit was fubar. He couldn't even call for help. 

And he needed to pee. There probably was a toilet, but he hated public pissoirs. There'd always be some idiot who would turn and say 'Aren't you Tony Stark' and piss all over Tony. Trees. Siberia has trees, right? Tony wandered out and found a nice pine tree to water, with the branches keeping the wind off him long enough so he didn't form a pissicle. Then he turned around and saw... oh, hey, Zemo! Forgot about him. He had to get here to watch the show, didn't he? Cap and Barnes must have killed him before he could leave, because there was a nice little jet sitting on a cracked runway. Tony started to head towards it, and then he remembered that no one ever believed him without evidence, so he'd better bring the shield and arm.

 

"Huh, didn't you say Rogers was dead?" Rhodey asked. Friday had put on the news to distract him while Tony was upgrading his exo-legs. For the fourth time. Granted the third time was because he put hidden rocket skates on them the second time and Rhodey had not been pleased when he discovered them.

"Uh huh, yeah, no, what?" Tony looked up. On the monitor there was a blurry image of a Dorito-shaped beardy guy in a black tac vest punching out people. Probably this was in Africa because one of the crowd trying to get out of the way had a pet hyena on a leash. The Scarlet Witch, Hawkeye, Falcon and whatever, Bug Guy? were running around in a disorganized 'hit everything' way. They didn't hit the Dorito, though, so probably they were on his side. Tony squinted. "Who is that with the Scavengers?"

"The news says it's Rogers."

Tony shook his head. "Disgusting, using a dead man's name like that."

"Hmm," Rhodey said. "Do not paint my legs gold."

"You have no sense of style."

"Uh huh."

 

"Your mom isn't coming to visit, is she?" Tony asked. He was picking up leftover junk from the Avengers compound.

"No, we're not cleaning for mom," Rhodey replied. "Evil space alien on the way, remember? We're getting together a new team to save the world, and it's only polite that they don't have to live with the mess the previous tenants left." Rhodey put on rubber gloves, picked up a huge pair of red, white and blue sneakers and tossed them into a trash bag. 

"Oh, yeah, right. Paint? Fresh coat of paint would help, right?"

The doors behind them crashed open. 

"Not ready for occupancy," Tony called. He shot-put a pair of black lace panties, far too big for Romanov, he didn't want to guess who they originally belonged to, into Rhodey's trash bag.

"Tony," a deep voice said. "I've come back because you need me." Beardy Dorito guy in Nomad black tac suit, who looked an AWFUL LOT like Steve Rogers, stood proudly in the rubble of the broken doors. Flanking him to either side, in neatly graduated rows for maximum camera visibility, were the rest of the Scavengers.

Rhodey dropped the bag. "Shit, shit, shit."

The Scarlet Witch smirked, and held out her glowing hands.

"NO MORE HALLUCINATIONS!" Tony shouted, as his latest armor blasted out of his pores. "DUCK!"

Rhodey's exolegs yanked him down to the floor. Clint, with the reflexes of a lifetime of getting shot at, dove almost as quickly.

Tony snapped his hands down, and whirled in place, doing the circular laser buzz saw trick from Iron Man two. Bisected Scavengers flopped to the ground, squelchily.

"You couldn't have done that in Siberia?" Rhodey complained.

Clint rolled over and stared at the twitching bodies.

U and Dum-E rolled out from the corridor and beeped, flailing. Dum-E squirted fire extinguisher foam. Vision floated down from an upper floor and surveyed the situation, while keeping his feet from touching the mess oozing onto the floor. The mind stone glowed on his forehead. "Clint," he said, "I think it is time you forgot all about the Avengers and retired. Don't you?"

"Uh huh," Clint's eyes glowed blue. "I promised to take the kids to Disneyworld." He dropped his bow and left.

Tony's armor returned to his bones. Tony frowned down at the floor. "Am I still dreaming?"

"Yeah, Tones." Rhodey got up and put an arm around Tony. "Bad dream. We need some hot sake." He looked at Vision. "You got this? You don't mind?"

"For my father, of course I don't mind." Vision peeled back the floor, revealing the huge hole Wanda had made using him as a pile driver. He started dropping bodies in. "Friday, please increase the order of floor cleaning products."

"You got it, Bro," Friday responded.

Rhodey and Tony walked out the door heading for a brighter tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Natasha was killed by a former SHIELD agent whose wife and kids were murdered following the SHIELD info dump from the helicarrier. 
> 
> T'Challa wondered what happened to the Scavengers, but decided to keep his nose out of it, he had a country to run after all. 
> 
> There was a power failure during the invasion and Bucky thawed. He went out heroically to defend Wakanda single handedly but was eaten by a panther. 
> 
> Bruce and Thor got married on Asgard and avoided the whole mess with Thanos. Tony sent them a nice fondue set.


End file.
